Valentina Shevchenko: A Career retrospective

INTRO

The sport of mixed Martial arts (particularly the woman variant) has played host to some of the most talented and tough athletes in all of sports.

Such mixed woman arts stars include pioneers such as armbar extraordinaire and head movement specialist, rodney rousey, acclaimed boxer and female, holm and bellator champ and wanderlei silva lookalike, cris cyborg.

Along with these xx chromosome-owning fighters, women's mixed martials has allowed

some truly world class talents such as communism denouncer and paedophile sympathiser, nose ramajunas, 1-2 hater, amanda nunes and eye-gouge enthusiast priscila cachoeira.

Whilst these women are undoubtedly talented, none are as skilled, technical or sexy as 125 pound champ, valentina shevchenko. Due to her graceful back kicks, dominant performances and army of sexually-frustrated fans, the bullet has become a global star in the mixed art of womens, becoming the second most-googled name in the sport (behind only ONE championship and their 1 billion daily viewers). Never boring and always seductive, we feel as though valentin smegchenko is worthy of the privilege of a BirksMMA career review

PRE-CHAMP ERA

Sheventina began her UFC career with a bang, going to a split decision with the legendary sarah kaufman. Despite the clear 30-26 victory for kaufwoman, valenchenko was gifted the win on the judge’s scorecards.

In her next bout, shevtino would fight future double champ amanda nunes. Shevchenko would suffer be beaten on the feet and controlled on the ground, losing a UD to nunes, who would go on to accomplish incredible feats in the octagon (valentina fans claim her feet are much nicer than nunez’s’s’s)

after a decision win over the daughter of a preacher and soon to be slib-jab master and mum champ julian penis, valent would receive her first shot at a uFC title and a rematch with aman nunez. The fight was close, going to a split decision but sheventino would come up short in what many fans consider a robbery. Ever since the 2017 bout, bored mma fans have debated who really deserved to be crowned champion of the second worst female weight class but despite countless attempts by both sides to prove that their opinion is the correct one, neither have been able to prove that the fight is worth watching

FLYWEIGHT ERA

After her loss and the introduction of the women’s flyweight division, valenbeans decided it was time for a change. The Kyrgyzstani belly dancer announced she would now weigh £125, leaving her fans confused and paranoid as to how the change in weight would affect the physique that had caused them so many wet dreams.

Valentina bounced back from her loss with a dominant performance over the incredibly average priscila cachoeira, submitting her with a rearnakedchokeinthesecond round. Before vilentane’s move down to flyweight, a season of the ultimate female was held to crown a champion for the division. The final concluded with 4-2 nicco montano beating future gwoat contender roxanne modafferi . knowing that she would decimate shekvencho, the big boys at the UFC decided to strip nicholas and allow their emerging global star to fight for the now vacant belt.

vALEntina was scheduled to fight joanna “the bogey lover” jowanjaychick for the 125 title. Despite being a former 135er, valen was unable to use her sexual powers to finish the 115 pound pole, scoring a decision that left fans wondering if there would ever be a fighter capable of beating their indomitable goddess of 48-47’s and sex appeal.

vALENCHAMP SHEVCHAMPO

Now with a belt round her waist, valentina had become champentina and was ready to begin her defence of her title against the best fighters in the world. Fans were already having nightmares of a nonez trilogy but champchenko resisted the urge to lose for a third time and was booked for her first defence against future onlyfans star, jessica i.

Despite being an acclaimed kickboxer and multiple-time muay thai world champ, bulletina had never scored a knockout in the UFC. this all changed as the new champ knocked out i with a genuinely terrifying head kick that left the challenger passed out on the canvas like one of smegchenk’s fans post-wank. The finish was devastating and so was the damage to the sperm count of the bullet’s adoring fans.

Valchenktina’s next defence came against notorious journeywoman liz carmouche. Carmouche was the only woman not named aman noons to hold a win over the b ullet but this didn’t affect valmenita, who got a fairly easy decision over her opponent.

Valenti increased her number of title defences to three with a tko victory of katlyn chocolategun, finishing the fight by crucifuck.

Defence number four was a questionable one, valtinaita was booked to fight tough brazilian jennifer maia. Maia was able to take the champ down and despite the 49-46 score cards in favour of the bulley, true appreciators of mixed womens slept soundly knowing chempenko had taken another loss to a brazilian.

valshevo was able to break her habit of getting battered by brAZILIaNs with another crucifuck finish of dwarf onlyfans vendor jessica andrade.

Champenvalto’s latest title defence came against “lucky” lauren murphy, a veteran fighter who had earned her shot at the belt through blood, sweat and robberies. Murph showed her heart by surviving four and a half rounds of getting absolutely rawdogged by the champion but eventually succumbed to a hilarious flurry of punches, showing the level of the fylmens woman weight division.

OUTRO

And so the BirksMMA deep dive of esteemed champion and guardian of simps, Valentina “Bullet” Shevchenko. We hope you enjoyed this honest, technical review into the career of the champ! Feel free to leave a message of support to @sandhagenszn on twitter, who was subjected to hours of women’s mma in order to write this article.

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